about my dauntingly beautiful ghost of the past

she brought me there with the most intricate way i thought possible. those stairs, if i didn’t know beforehand that i’d find her there, i wouldn’t be able to climb them. they gave the illusion of keep moving, the way those stairs at hogwarts are described. they didn’t really move; but it’s enough to force my other friends to give up.

they didn’t know what’s waiting up there.

ah, i also knew that even if they knew, they’d still give up.

no one acted like a lovesick puppy toward her more than i was.

i faced her. as if begging her to acknowledge me.

hey, i’m here. the way you want me to. i did a good job, right?

i wish she could read that because i was sure my tear-stained eyes can’t write a plea.

she came closer. then she brushed my hair with her soft hand,

“your hair is really soft,” she whispered.

i swooned. like a cat, i couldn’t get enough of her hand petting my head.

that hand was soft; but of course it was still strong enough to keep me from getting closer. damn, i needed her touch. i craved her.

why?

still, i couldn’t say that out loud.

she didn’t answer either.

too long we’ve gone without each other. surely it’s been long enough? for me, who didn’t even think i deserve to be around her ethereal beauty, it hurts to be kept at distance. i needed her to either embrace me or shove me away.

that state of in between was killing me.

i missed her. i still do. i will always be.

her existence. her reassurance. her mere presence.

i remembered the days i couldn’t go on without them.

how did i even live long enough without all that?

then without me noticing, she came closer. with her assuring smile, she kissed my forehead. “it’s okay. i’m not going anywhere,” she said.

but even the oblivious rock that i was, i knew that she lied. that kiss was a goodbye kiss. because the next time i blinked, i couldn’t see her anymore.

and yet i was not strong enough to call out her name. to beg her to stay.

oh, allegiance, an old friend no one thought i’d remember, even in my dreams, you will always be there.

my friends came around, but i couldn’t tell them what came over me. i couldn’t tell them about her. not only because she’s some sacred existence in my being, but also because i didn’t believe that what just happened was real. i could no longer feel her presence. at all.

hours later, when everyone, including me, had forgotten about my momentary trance, i put my hand in my pocket and found a trinket.

a koala doll chained to a pen.

i never knew that she knew how i remember her by. the lost trinket that i never thought i’d see again, there it was laid on my hand.

and then i knew: she really existed.

my whole past was not a lie.


the meaning of her existence for me was real. the trinket was not.

in my dream, she didn’t give me a trinket; she gave me her phone. and when apocalypse came, i couldn’t call her. but i couldn’t really write about that without making background story and all that so there you have it.


kata saya:

why to my former owner?

karena seperti itulah keberadaan dia dalam hidup saya. like, i would absolutely do anything for her even if she didn’t ask me to. i was a literal puppy. dan meskipun saya tau persis, that’s not how a relationship, friendship, works, i would still be doing that. tetap akan hilang tanpanya.

dia bukan hanya teman: it was like i was a kitten stranded on a box and then her childhood friend told her to pick me up, and she did, albeit reluctantly. and that’s how i devoted my middle school life for her.

come high school, some new owner picked me up, and i thought she didn’t want me anymore, and i wandered.

this morning i dreamed about her kinda saving my life, thus this story.

aaa, i miss her.

but i changed and she changed and i don’t think she really loved me that much i’m so terrified to even send her a message.

god, she’s so beautiful i can’t even describe her with words.

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