what’s in a name

what’s in a name…
a rose ….

well, saya nggak tau itu kutipan dari mana dan saya lupa kelanjutannya kayak apa. saya curiga itu shakespeare tapi saya seriously nggak bisa baca shakespeare jadi nggak tau.

personal post.
content warning: identity crisis.

saya ingat hikigaya pernah mengatakan sesuatu tentang identity crisis yang saya yakin saya nggak ngerti apa yang dia omongin. despite kita berbagi satu kebiasaan buruk, i.e. read between the lines even when there’s no line to read at all, bahasa yang dia pake terlalu ruwet bahkan untuk standar saya yang lebh suka nulis metapor daripada nulis lugas.

apalah arti sebuah nama
mawar akan tetap indah meski ia dipanggil dengan nama yang lain.

they said.

but you know, humans have this ability of introducing themselves. they kinda stuck with a name given to them.

this post is about how i wanted to unstuck myself, and getting lost in the process.

i don’t like my full name. it’s too grand for a little girl like me. it made me feel like a disappointment. even to myself. and it’s sad.

i don’t like the name my families call me with. it’s too personal and i don’t think anyone has any business calling me with that name. the fact that they usually can’t pronounce it the way i want it doesn’t help. at all.

i kinda like the name i use to introduce myself with. an excerpt of my full name. but then i found out there’s an arabic term pronounced the same way and my head kinda start to think that i should live up to that name, too. that’s not a good thing. at all. because instead of healing others’ wounded heart, i absorb the wound: treat it as my own. it makes me cranky when someone talking bad about anything. as if i’m the one wronged. as if their annoyance is mine. it’s destructive. and it scares me most of the time.
i still use this name to introduce myself to stranger, but knowing the effect of the name i chose for myself is kinda jarring. hahah.

i also kinda like how my friends altered that name. but then i gave it a last name so now it felt like a denial of the intimacy i had with those friends. i makes me hate myself a little more. i sincerely wish they don’t see it as some kind of denial. i don’t want them to realize the extent of my self-loathing.

and then the new name i use for this blog. it contains my mixed feelings. like, i love it because it’s rotten to the core and yet… at times i think it’s too rotten. see, yukina loves kisa-san (see how i address him as kisa-san the way i will always address ryou-san as ryou-san?) and kaoru adores hikaru (i actually forget the extent of their love but i think it’s that rotten.) and i’d like to think i’m not that hopeless?

the point is, if i even have a point, i always confuse myself whenever i want to give something to someone indirectly and i have to write my name. i don’t think it’s normal: to always contemplate on which name to use. it makes me feel like some kind of terrorist with too many aliases.

and when i read the phrase ‘be yourself’, often times i’d get confused because, ‘which one?’ and it’s not even that every name has it’s own personality. far from it. all of them are me. however much i want to stick to a name and get it over with.

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